Four Friends and One Freaky Book
by sirius is on my team
Summary: What happens when four teenagers are thrown into a muggle home to read their own destinies in novel form? You've never seen Lily so frightening, Sirius so bizarre, James so triumphant, or Remus so wordy.
1. The Boy Who Lived

Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived Through the Great Massacre of the Hamsters

James ran his hand through his hair. Again.

"Stop it, Potter, I swear if you move your bloody hand again I will dissemble your limbs and feed them to the giant squid!" said an angry redhead, pointing at him accusingly.

James immediately placed his hands in his lap, and Lily Evans resumed her pacing.

"Sit down, Evans," said Sirius, leaning back in his chair. "You're making me sick."

"_You_ make me sick," Lily muttered under her breath, but she did stop pacing.

"I still don't understand where we are," mumbled a sandy-haired teenager, staring at the wall in front of him. The four sixteen-year-olds trapped in the room were hopelessly and utterly lost. They had gone through a door that they had thought lead to the charms classroom, only to find a nicely-furnished living-room. They had foolishly entered the room, and the door had slammed behind them, leaving out their companion Peter Pettigrew. They had stopped trying to open it, and had instead taken to doing...nothing. Lily Evans was pacing across the oriental rug relentlessly, muttering useless hexes and curses under her breath. Their wands, books, and bags had seemingly evaporated as they entered the room. Sirius Black was lounging in the dark leather sofa next to James Potter, who was staring at the floor, annoyed. Remus Lupin was now examining the bookshelf along one wall.

"It's a muggle room," he said, removing a book from the shelf. "Alice in Wonderland--definitely muggles."

"I know that book!" said Lily brightly, stopping her pacing. She joined Remus at the bookshelf. "Ooh, The Lord of the Rings, that's an interesting series. Lots of fantasy here..."

Sirius sighed. He would never open a book if he could help it. James Potter felt the same way...unless he was opening the book to prove to Lily that he wasn't, in fact, illiterate.

"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone," said Remus, reading the spine of a book. He removed the hard-cover book from the shelf and looked down at it. The paper cover seemed to be missing; all that was there was the dark red surface. "You know any Harry Potters, James?"

"No," said James, sitting up in his seat. "Bring it here, though, let's have a look."

Lily rolled her eyes. Egotistical Potter, she thought, can't resist looking at something with his name on it.

"Let's read it, right?" she heard Potter saying on the couch.

"Could be interesting," said Remus.

"It's a _book_," said Sirius in horror. "Why are you going to read a _book?_"

"To show that we have a higher intellegance than monkeys," Lily said, thoroughly disgusted with Sirius' lack of intellegence. "Here, Black, maybe we can find a banana for you while we read."

"I'll read it," announced Sirius, shooting a scathing look at Lily. He took the book from Remus' hands and opened it to the first page. Lily seated herself on the sofa next to Remus, who was next to Sirius, who was next to James. "Chapter One--**The Boy Who Lived**."

Lily: Sounds like a ominously tragic story.

Remus: Oh, but it's already starting out happy. See, Evans, the boy's alive!

James: You know it's gonna turn out that he's the sole survivor of some killing massacre.

Lily: Potter! Stop being so morose.

**Mr. and Mrs. Dursley,**

Sirius: How do you do?

**of number four, Privet Drive,**

Lily: With the number of kidnappers and stalkers out there nowadays, they should be more careful with dishing out their address to any passing reader.

**were proud to say that they were perfectly normal, thank you very much.**

Boys: You're welcome.

**They were the last people you'd expect to be involved in anything strange or mysterious,**

Remus: Something tells me that they're going to be involved with something strange and mysterious very shortly.

James: I bet that they were the people who went on a killing spree and killed everyone except for the boy who lived.

**because they just didn't hold with such nonsense.**

James: You wouldn't call it nonsense if you were the one lying on the ground, bleeding profusely, with the mutilated limbs and the--

Lily: POTTER! You are the most disgusting person I have ever had the misfortune to meet!

James::bows:

**Mr. Dursley was the director of a firm called Grunnings,**

Remus: If I was the director of a firm, I would call it something a bit more appealing than "Grunnings." It sounds like a type of pig.

James: He named it after himself.

**which made drills.**

James: And pigs.

**He was a big, beefy man with hardly any neck, although he did have a very large moustache.**

Sirius: Only a pig could have a moustache like that.

**Mrs. Dursley was thin and blonde**

Sirius: Like a super-model? Tell me more!

Remus::smacks Sirius on the back of the head:

**and had nearly twice the usual amount of neck,**

Sirius: Never mind.

Lily: Do you only judge women on their physical appearance?

Sirius: Evans, she's a bloody giraffe!

**which came in very useful as she spent so much of her time**

James: Eating pork.

Lily: Saving the enviornment.

Remus: Ruling her own small European principality named Durslitinia.

Sirius: Sharpening her daggar.

Lily: Black! Make love, not war!

Sirius: ...Are you telling me to have sex?

Lily: Urgh!

**craning over garden fences, spying on the neighbors.**

Lily: Should introduce her to my sister sometime. Petunia watches our neighbours excesively, although they happen to be the most boring people ever.

**The Dursleys had s small son called Dudley**

Lily: Oh! Like the friend of Elizabeth I of Eng--

James: What an incredibly sucky name!

Lily: Stop saying semi-intelligent things.

**and in their opinion there was no finer boy anywhere.**

James: Of course, they have yet to meet me.

Lily::annoyed snort:

**The Dursleys had everything they wanted,**

Remus: Impossible.

Sirius: Wha?

Remus: Think about it. If you had everything you wanted, you wouldn't have anywhere to put it all, and you'd just keep wanting more. Eventually the greed--

Lily: Don't bother, Lupin. They have no idea what the figger you're talking about.

**but they also had a secret,**

Sirius: _Finally_ some gossip!

Lily: You remind me of some girls in my primary school.

Sirius: I like girls.

Lily: They wore nothing but pink.

Sirius::shudder:

**and their greatest fear was that somebody would discover it.**

James: Ah...we've discovered their weak point.

Lily: Potter! Don't bother those poor, innocent people!

James: Innocent! Ha! They're the ones who massacered the people, but only left that boy alive.

Remus: That must be their little secret, Padfoot.

Sirius: Psh. That's not even remotely interesting--

Lily: --unless they used a chainsaw!

Boys::stare at Lily:

Lily: Ever seen 'The Texas Chainsaw Massacre'?

Boys::stare at Lily:

James::drools:

Lily: Honestly. You'd love it, Black, it's the bloodiest movie I've ever seen.

**They didn't think they could bear it if anyone found out about the Potters.**

James: Ah. Now we're finally getting down to these mysterious Potters.

**Mrs. Potter was Mrs. Dursley's sister,**

James: Hmm...scratching this "Mrs. Dursley" woman, this Mrs. Potter could be my mother, my Aunt Lucille, Aunt Bethany--

Lily: Honestly, Potter! Book...fiction...NOT REAL.

Remus: It could be. It could even be from the future, or something like that. This entire room could be from the future...

Lily: But what kind of spell--

Sirius: BORING. Shut up, let me read.

**but they hadn't met for several years;**

Lily: Aw...didn't the miss each other?

Sirius: No.

**in fact, Mrs. Dursley pretended she didn't have a sister,**

Sirius: I was so right.

Lily: You looked ahead.

Sirius: ...No, I didn't. Um.

**because her sister and her good-for-nothing husband were as unDursleyish as it was possible to be.**

Lily: That is the worst reason to dislike someone that I have ever heard.

James: Hm...unDursleyish...

Remus: If you got rid of the "ish" and changed the "ley" to "set" you'd have a real word.

Lily: Stop knowing things that I don't.

**The Dursleys shuddered to think what the neighbors would say if the Potters arrived in the street.**

James: Why would they arrive in the street? Why not at the house?

Remus: Because the Dursleys kicked them out of the house and into the street.

Lily: But why would they do that if they didn't want the neighbors to know about the Potters?

Sirius: I see smart people.

Lily::laughs hysterically:

Boys: Huh?

Lily: Wow...you all have to see some muggle movies...

**The Dursleys knew that the Potters had a small son too**

James: Me?

Remus: If so, you're probably dead, killed by the Dursleys in the massacre.

Lily::grins triumphantly:

James: WHAT? Ooh, Dursley is going down.

**but they had never seen him.**

Lily: Legend has it that he's so ugly, that if you look at him--

James: Hey!

Lily: Yes::grins prettily, using her feminine charms to make James' jaw drop and drool come from his mouth:

**This boy was another good reason for keeping the Potters away--they didn't want Dudley mixing with a boy like that.**

Lily: Mixing with him? What an interesting verb to use.

Remus: Mixing...like in a big bowl with a blender.

Lily: Hmm.

Remus: Hmm.

Lily: I feel like I should be resting in a huge armchair with a pipe right now. Hmm.

**When Mr. and Mrs. Dursley woke up**

James: --they began to prepare for work. Mr. Dursley hid several daggars in his pockets, and Mrs. Dursley put on her prostitute suit--

Lily: POTTER!

Sirius: Aw, it was just getting good!

**on the dull, gray Tuesday our story starts, there was nothing about the cloudy sky outside to suggest that**

James: There would be a bloody massacre in the middle of Privet Drive.

Sirius: Where's Privet Drive?

Lily::moans and puts head in hands:

Remus: Please, Padfoot. Don't be any dumber than you can help.

**strange and mysterious things would soon be happening all over the country.**

James: Does murder count as 'strange and mysterious?'

**Mr. Dursley hummed as he picked out his most boring tie for work**

James: Which, of course, matched his favorite knife--

Lily: Potter! Make lo--oh, never mind.

**and Mrs. Dursley gossiped away happily**

Remus: About the massacre. Which was her fault.

Lily: Lupin! I thought you were on _my_ side!

Remus::shrug:

**as she wrestled a screaming**

James: Cactus.

Lily: Mandrake.

Sirius: Hamster.

Remus: Japanese Sumo wrestler.

**Dudley**

Sirius: I was close.

Others::give Sirius weird looks:

**into his highchair. None of them noticed a large tawny owl flutter past the window.**

Remus: Flutter. That word has always bothered me.

Lily: It reminds me of butterflies. Fluttering butterflies.

Sirius: Reminds me of flirting.

James: Padfoot..._everything_ reminds you of flirting.

Sirius: Hamsters!

Others::girve Sirius weird looks:

**At half-past eight, Mr. Dursley picked up his**

Lily: Rifle.

Boys: Huh?

Lily: I love being the only muggle-born.

**briefcase, pecked Mrs. Dursley on the cheek and tried to kiss Dudley goodbye but missed,**

Remus: Come on. That kid's got to be fatter than that.

**because Dudley was now having a tantrum and throwing his cereal at the walls.**

James: I used to do that.

Lily: _Used_ to? Remember in the Great Hall--

James: That was only once!

**"Little tyke," chortled Mr. Dursley**

James: You wouldn't chortle if you were that cereal being thrown at the--

Lily::cough:

James: Sorry, Evans.

Sirius::raises eyebrow at Remus:

Lily: Do that again and I will tear your little eyebrow off your face.

**as he left the house. He got into his car**

Lily: Station wagon. I bet it was a station wagon.

Boys::look at each other and shrug:

**and backed out of number four's drive.**

Sirius: Fascinating. Now, why am I reading this book?

Lily: Banana, Black?

Sirius::scowl:

**It was on the corner of the street that he noticed the first sign of something peculiar--**

Lily: A tall man dressed in a black cloak with his face obscured by a hood, carrying a scythe.

James: A deatheater? What's he doing with a scythe?

Lily/Remus: Oy...

**a cat reading a map.**

James::shrugs: Meh. Not that unusual.

Remus::shakes head: Muggles.

**For a second, Mr. Dursley didn't realize what he had seen--then he jerked his head**

Remus: _Jerked_. An appropriate verb.

**around to look again. There was a tabby cat standing on the corner of Privet Drive, but there wasn't a map in sight. What could he have been thinking of?**

Sirius: His naked wife.

Lily: I feel homicidal.

Sirius: Isn't the word "suicidal"?

Lily::shudder:

**It must have been a trick of the light. Mr. Dursley blinked and stared at the cat. It stared back.**

Sirius: Ooh, staring contest!

James: I put my money on the cat.

Remus: I have faith in the fat dude.

**As Mr. Dursley drove around the corner and up the road,**

Lily: And over the hill and through the woods...

**he watched the cat in the mirror. It was now reading the sign that said Privet Drive-no, _looking_ at the sign; cats couldn't read maps _or_ signs.**

Remus: Well, obviously they do now.

**Mr. Dursley gave himself a little shake and put the cat out of his mind.**

James: Did he _put_ it there, or shake it out?

Remus: The author should be more specific.

**As he drove toward town he thought of nothing except a large order of drills he was hoping to get that day. But on the edge of town, drills were driven out of his mind by something else.**

Lily: Chainsaws. Thousands and thousands of chainsaws...

Boys::give Lily weird looks:

Lily::sigh:


	2. Bright and Happy

Chapter Two: Bright and Happy People

**As he sat in the usual morning traffic jam, he couldn't help noticing that there seemed to be a lot of strangely dressed people about.**

Lily: Psh, _you're_ strangely dressed.

**People in cloaks.**

Lily: Excuse me--_I'm_ strangely dressed.

**Mr. Dursley couldn't bear people who dressed in funny clothes--the getups you saw on young people! He supposed** **this was some stupid new fashion.**

Remus: Depends on what you mean by "new"...if you're suggesting that this fashion has been around for hundreds on thousands of years, than yes. New.

**He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel and his eyes fell on a huddle of these weirdos**

Lily: Psh, you're a weirdo.

James: It's okay, Evans. We know.

Lily::immature glare:

**standing quite close by. They were whispering excitedly together. Mr. Durlsey was enraged to see that a couple of them weren't young at all; why, that man had to be older than he was,**

James: Well, that is rather rare, isn't it?

Remus: He's fatter than he is old.

**and wearing an emerald-green cloak! The nerve of him!**

James: Wearing Slytherin colors in a Gryffindor-ruled world!

**But then it struck Mr. Dursley that this was probably some silly stunt-these people were obviously collecting for something...**

Lily: Obviously.

Remus: Obviously, you are uninformed that cloaks have been worn since the medieval ages.

Sirius: Aw, let him alone, guys. I feel bad for him.

James: Really?

Sirius::pause: No.

**yes, that would be it. The traffic moved on a few minutes later, Mr. Dursley arrived in the Grunnings parking lot, his mind back on**

James: Pigs.

Lily: Chainsaws.

Remus: His son?

Sirius: Hamsters.

**drills.**

Sirius: Drills...and hamsters.

Lily: What sick fascination do you have with hamsters?

Sirius: Drills and hamsters. Book. :points to the book he's reading, then resumes reading aloud:

**Mr. Dursley always sat with his back to the window in his office on the ninth floor.**

James: That's...nice...

Remus::cough: IRRELEVANT::cough:

**If he hadn't, he might have found it harder to concentrate on drills that morning. _He_ didn't see the owls swooping past in broad daylight, though people down in the street did; they pointed and gazed open-mouthed as owl after owl sped overhead.**

James: That's...nice...Haven't these people ever seen owls before?

**Most of them had never seen an owl even at nighttime.**

James: I still don't get it. Why would you be more likely to see owls at night?

Lily: In the muggle world, owls are nocturnal creatures.

Sirius: Kreachers?

Lily: Yes. Creatures.

Sirius: Hamsters.

**Mr. Dursley, however, had a perfectly normal, owl-free morning.**

Lily: Free at last... Thank God Almighty! We are free at last!

Remus: Yes...free...:shrugs shoulders at James and Sirius:

**He yelled at five different people.**

Sirius: Sounds like fun. I'd like to yell at five people every day.

Remus::to Lily: Did he just complete a sentence without any--

Sirius: HAMSTERS!

**He made several important telephone calls**

Sirius: Question.

Lily: A telephone is a muggle device of talking to someone. They talk into a hunk of molded plastic, and someone somewhere else talks into a molded hunk of plastic, and they're talking to each other.

Sirius/James: Oh... :exchange glances:

**and shouted a bit more. He was in a very good mood until lunchtime**

James: When his stomach got the best of him and started yelling louder than he was.

**when he thought he'd stretch his legs and walk across the road to buy himself a bun from the bakery.**

Lily: Just a bun? How about a doughnut or something equally as fattening?

**He'd forgotten all about the people in cloaks until he passed a group of them next to the baker's. He eyed them angrily as he passed.**

Remus: It always bothers me when people 'eye' each other. Can they use a different word there?

Lily: It always makes me think that whoever is doing the eyeing is checking the other person out.

**He didn't know why, but they made him uneasy. This lot were whispering excitedly, too, and he couldn't see a single collecting tin. It was on his way back past them, clutching a large doughnut**

Lily: Ha!

James: But he said he'd get a bun!

Sirius: Nasty lying hamsters.

**in a bag, that he caught a few words of what they were saying.**

Sirius: Ooh, this is good.

**"The Potters, that's right, that's what I heard--"**

James: The Potters!

Lily::dryly: How exciting.

**"--yes, their son, Harry--"**

James: Harry::pause: Harry Potter...I don't know a Harry Potter.

Remus: Could be your son, Prongs!

James: If this book is from the future...it could be!

Remus: But why is everyone talking about this kid?

Sirius: He's obviously being troublesome. He's getting into trouble, and playing a prank on everyone in England. And so now they must talk about him excessively. :pause: Hamsters.

**Mr. Dursley stopped dead.**

Boys: DIE!

**Fear flooded him.**

Boys: DROWN!

**He looked back at the whisperers as if he wanted to say something to them, but thought better of it.**

Sirius: Question: What do you say to whispers?

Lily: Hamsters.

Sirius::shocked expression::immediately stands up and rushes towards Lily, enveloping her in a bear hug:

James: PADFOOT!

Sirius::squeaks::goes back to his own seat:

**He dashed back across the road, hurried up to his office, snapped at his secretary not to disturb him, seized his telephone**

Lily: Carpe sermo fabrica.

Boys: Eh?

Lily: Latin. Seize the telephone.

**and had almost finished dialing his home phone number before he thought better of it.**

Remus: Wait a sec, Evans. You can't say telephone in Latin.

Lily: Talking device. Sermo fabrica.

**He put the receiver back down and stroked his moustache, thinking...no, he was being stupid.**

Remus: How...unusual...cough.

**Potter wasn't such an unusual name.**

James: Hey! I'm one of a kind, thank you very much.

**He was sure there were lots of people called Potter who had a son called Harry.**

James: Not any that I know of.

**Come to think of it, he wasn't even sure his nephew was called Harry. He'd never even seen the boy. It might have been Harvey. Or Harold.**

James: Harvey! I have a cousin named Harvey!

Sirius: Really?

James: Ye--no. No. Never mind. That's Jarvina.

Remus: Jarvina?

James: Shut up.

**There was no point in worrying Mrs. Dursley, she always got so upset at any mention of her sister.**

Sirius: She can't have been that ugly. Hamsters are probably uglier than she is.

**He didn't blame her--if he'd had a sister like that...but all the same, those people in cloaks...**

Lily: Yes? What about us?

James: What if it was us out there...that would be so weird.

**He found it a lot harder to concentrate on drills that afternoon and when he left the building at five o'clock, he was still so worried that he walked straight into someone outside the door.**

Lily: Smooth. Real smooth.

Remus: That is such a weird word. Smooth. When you write it down, it looks like smuthe. Freaky.

Sirius: Moony, what is it with you and words?

**"Sorry," he grunted as the tiny old man stumbled and almost fell.**

Lily: Aw, the poor old man! And the evil blood-sucking, rifle-carrying Dursley!

James: What is a rifle?

Lily: You're a rifle.

James: I am::ruffles hair:

Lily::twitch:

**It was a few seconds before Mr. Dursley realized that the man was wearing a violet cloak. He didn't seem at all upset at being almost knocked to the ground.**

Lily: It's probably because you dropped his medication!

**On the contrary, his face split into a wide smile and he said in a squeaky voice that made passers-by stare,**

Remus: Old men on helium. It's a sad, sad world.

**"Don't be sorry, my dear sir, for nothing could upset me today! Rejoice, for You-Know-Who has gone at last!**

All: WHAT?

James: Voldemort? Gone?

Remus: The future! It's from the future::turns to Lily: I told you so!

Lily: You-Know-Who...gone...oh, this is fantastic!

Sirius: Yes::Sirius and James stand up and slam chests in joy:

**Even Muggles like yourself should be celebrating, this happy, happy day!"**

Remus: Yeah, you better!

Lily: But...how did it happen? Was he killed? Who...what...how...

James: It doesn't matter. He's gone!

**And the old man hugged Mr. Dursley round the middle and walked off.**

Sirius: Rrrowl.

Lily: Black!

**Mr Dursley stood rooted to the spot. He had been hugged by a complete stranger. He also thought he had been called a Muggle, whatever that was.**

Lily: That man isn't very smart, just rambling on about Muggles and You-Know-Who to a muggle.

Remus: And what about all the wizards standing around with normal cloaks--shouldn't they wear muggle clothes?

James: Relax; they're too excited to care--Voldemort is gone!

Remus: Oh...OH...OHHHH!

James: What? Moony, pal? You okay?

Remus: Remember when they were talking about the Potters? And Harry? And now Voldemort is gone?

James: Ye--OH!

Sirius: Whoa! Harry Potter, you are a hero!

James: MY SON KILLED VOLDEMORT!

Lily: Oh, honestly, we don't know who this Harry Potter is, or if You-Know-Who was murdered by anybody.

Remus: I think it sounds likely.

**He was rattled. He hurried to his car and set off home, hoping he was imagining things, which he had never hoped before, because he didn't approve of imagination.**

Lily: How awful! Normally muggles encourage imagination--at least, teachers do.

**As he pulled into the driveway of number four, the first thing he saw--and it didn't improve his mood--was**

Sirius: A giant mob of angry hamsters, demanding entrance.

James: His wife and son, their bodies bloody and mangled, lying on the red-with-blood lawn.

Lily: A tall, dark, cloaked figure carrying a scythe.

Remus: I can't decide which version I like best.

**the tabby cat he'd spotted that morning.**

Sirius: With a dead hamster hanging out of it's mouth.

James: With blood covering it's mouth and sitting upon Dudley's stomach.

Lily: Wearing a black cloak and carrying a mini-scythe.

Remus: I like Evans' version best.

**It was now sitting on his garden wall.**

Sirius: Covered with hamster guts.

James: Drenched with blood.

Lily/Remus: Holding a scythe.

**He was sure it was the same one; it had the same markings round its eyes.**

**"Shoo!" said Mr. Dursley loudly.**

Lily: Psh, _you_ shoo!

**The cat didn't move. It just gave him a stern look.**

Lily::gives the book a stern look:

**Was this normal cat behavior? Mr. Dursley wondered. Trying to pull himself together,**

James: After being chopped to death by the murderous cat...

**he let himself into the house. He was still determined not to mention anything to his wife.**

Remus: Why? If their hideous sister is still out there, than wouldn't they want to be prepared to ward her off or something?

**Mrs. Dursley had had a nice, normal day. She told him over dinner about Mrs. Next Door's problems with her daughter**

Lily: I bet the daughter's been drinking. Alchoholbad.

Sirius: Wha?

**and how Dudley had learned a new word**

James: Murder.

Remus: Death.

Lily: We're not very bright and happy people here, are we?

Sirius: Hamsters.

**("Won't!").**

Lily: Oh, lovely.

**Mr. Dursley tried to act normally. When Dudley had been put to bed, he went into the living room in time to catch the last report on the evening news:**

James: Officials are still unable to find the culprits of the murderous massacre, killing all involved but a boy, who lived. Top suspects are Mr. And Mrs. Dursley of Number Four, Privet Drive. Authorites will be coming to arrest them in approximitely ten seconds. And counting.

**"And finally, bird-watchers everywhere have reported that the nation's owls have been behaving very unusually today. Although owls normally hunt at night and are hardly ever seen in daylight,**

Sirius: I am so confused.

James::nods:

Lily: Muggle owls only come out at night.

Remus: Creatures of the night...

**there have been hundreds of sightings of these birds flying in all directions since sunrise. Experts are unable to explain why the owls have suddenly changed their sleeping pattern."**

James: Psh. Muggles.

Lily::glare:

**The newscaster allowed himself a grin. "Most mysterious. And now, over to Jim McGuffin with the weather. Going to be any more showers of owls tonight, Jim?"**

Boys: Ew...

Lily::sigh:

**"Well, Ted," said the weatherman, "I don't know about that, but it's not only the owls that have been acting oddly today.**

James: A giant massacre, occuring at sunrise, has left thousands dead--

Lily: And turning into homicidal zombies.

James: Zombies? What are Zombies?

Lily: Oy...

**Viewers as far apart as Kent, Yorkshire, and Dundee have been phoning in to tell me that instead of the rain I promised yesterday, they've had a downpour of shooting stars!**

Lily: Aw...I hope some couple was celebrating a wedding or honeymoon that day...shooting stars would be so romantic...

James: Really?

Lily: I dare you. :glare:

**Perhaps people have been celebrating Bonfire Night early--it's not until next week, folks!**

Sirius: Question.

Lily: Don't even try to tell me that you don't know what Bonfire Night is, because if you do I shall package you into a very small box and ship you to America.

Sirius: ...Oh.

**But I can promise a wet night tonight."**

**Mr. Dursley sat frozen in his armchair.**

Boys: FREEZE TO DEATH!

Lily: If I was a hippie, I'd give you drugs.

Boys: What?

Lily::blinks: Actually, I'm not quite sure what I just said.

**Shooting stars all over Britain? Owls flying by daylight? And a whisper, a whisper about the Potters...**

Lily::hums Twilight Zone music:

**Mrs. Dursley came into the living room carrying two cups of tea.**

James: One for herself, and one to chew on.

**It was no good.**

James: No one made sugar tea cups anymore.

**He'd have to say something to her. He cleared his throat nervously. "Er--Petunia, dear--you haven't heard from your sister lately, have you?"**

Remus: He is making way to big a deal out of this.

James: If this sister is so ugly, then they should just kill her or something and be done with it.

Lily: Wait...did he just say Petunia? That's my sister's name.


	3. Of Daggers and Culture Holes

Chapter Three: Of Daggers and Culture Holes

_James: If this sister is so ugly, then they should just kill her or something and be done with it._

_Lily: Wait...did he just say Petunia? That's my sister's name._

:silence:

Lily: What if I'm the sister?

:silence:

Lily: I AM NOT UGLY!

Remus: Relax, Evans, you're not a Potter either.

Lily::brightens: You're right! It's not me!

James: Unless you married me.

Lily: Shut. Up. I did not marry you.

**As he had expected, Mrs. Dursley looked shocked and angry. After all, they normally pretended she didn't have a sister.**

Lily: That's no good. Once you start pretending not to have a sister, then your sister finds out and, just to spite you, shows up at a social event you're holding and acts surprised to find out that none of the guests know that your sister has a sister.

Boys: ...

**"No," she said sharply. "Why?"**

Lily: Because, that's why!

**"Funny stuff on the news," Mr. Dursley mumbled.**

Sirius: Question.

Lily::twitch:

Sirius: Does this guy have a first name?

James: Of course he does, Padfoot, haven't you been paying any attention?

Remus: His name is Mister. Mister Dursley.

Lily::double twitch:

**"Owls...shooting stars...and there were a lot of funny-looking people in town today..."**

James: Hey, watch who you're calling funny-looking.

Remus: Yeah, you're not so pretty yourself.

**"So?" snapped Mrs. Dursley.**

Remus: Don't snapping turtles have long necks?

**"Well, I just thought...maybe...it was something to do with...you know..._her_ crowd."**

Lily: Or, if you will, her homie G's.

Boys: What?

Lily: Don't mind me and my irrational blend of 70's and 00's culture.

**Mrs. Dursley sipped her tea through pursed lips.**

James: Why?

Lily: Because, that's why.

**Mr. Dursley wondered whether he dared tell her he'd heard the name "Potter". He decided he didn't dare.**

Lily: I can see that this marriage is very successful, as they're both very open with each other.

**Instead he said, as casually as he could, "Their son--he'd be about Dudley's age now, wouldn't he?"**

James: "Wouldn't he?" persisted Mr. Dursley, his fist clenching around a dagger in his pocket. "Yes, yes!" said Mrs. Dursley, crying out in sheer terror. "Oh, please Mister, put it away...please..."

Lily: POTTER!

James: What?

Lily: OBVIOUSLY, Mr. Dursley wouldn't use a dagger. He probably has a very nice rifle under the sofa.

Sirius: Question.

Lily::spasm:

**"I suppose so," said Mrs. Dursley stiffly.**

Remus: Stiff...stiff as a board...

Lily: Light as a feather, stiff as a board...

Boys: Wha?

Lily: It's a muggle form of magic, sort of...like a levitation spell, without wands.

Boys: Oh.

**"What's his name again? Howard, isn't it?"**

All::shudder:

Lily: Howard is not a good name. People named Howard can be quite nice, but their name is just...ugh.

James: I would never name my son Howard.

**"Harry. Nasty, common name, if you ask me."**

James: Well, no one did ask you, so THERE.

Lily: What's wrong with common names?

James: I have a common name!

Sirius: Me, too!

Lily/James/Remus::raise eyebrow at Sirius:

Sirius: Yup. Good hamsters, is Sirius common.

**"Oh yes," said Mr. Dursley, his heart sinking horribly.**

Boys: Kerplunk.

Lily: YOU SUNK MY BATTLESHIP!

Remus/James: Eh?

Sirius: Hamsters?

**"Yes, I quite agree."**

Remus: Ha, like hell he does. He just wants to make the missus happy.

**He didn't say another word on the subject as they went upstairs to bed.**

James: His wife has entirely too much control over him.

Lily: Nonsense.

James: Okay.

**While Mrs. Dursley was in the bathroom, Mr. Dursley crept to the bedroom window**

Sirius: So what about Mister Dursley? What about the Missus in the bathroom?

Lily: Ugh!

**and peered down into the front garden. The cat was still there. It was staring down Privet Drive as though it was waiting for something. Was he imagining things? Could all this have anything to do with the Potters?**

James: For God's sake, stop it about the bloody Potters. As a Potter, I am insulted by their wife's ugly mug.

Remus: Though you've never seen it.

James: Even though I've never seen it!

**If it did...if it got out that they were related to a pair of--**

Sirius: Hamsters.

Remus: Frogs.

James: Murderers.

Lily: Travel agents.

Sirius: Question.

Lily::twitch:

**well, he didn't think he could bear it.**

**The Dursleys got into bed. Mrs. Dursley fell asleep quickly but Mr. Dursley lay awake, turning it all over in his mind.**

Lily: Just take some Niquil if you're gonna have problems falling asleep.

Boys: Niquil?

Lily: The coughing, sneezing, why-the-hell-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

**His last, comforting thought was**

James: "Those dead bodies should rot by the time investigators show up..."

Remus: "That dude with the scythe out there should be finishing up his business pretty quickly, and then he'll leave..."

Sirius: "Those hamster guts will make excellent stew for tomorrow's dinner..."

Others: Ew!

**that even if the Potters _were_ involved, there was no reason for them to come near him and Mrs. Dursley.**

James: I wouldn't be too sure...

Others::a blank look:

James::sigh: If only I had a dagger...

**The Potters knew very well what he and Petunia**

Lily: That's starting to creep me out...Petunia...and my sister Petunia...tall, blonde, long neck...

James: You're both flowers.

Lily: Yes.

James: How fitting. Lily Evans, you are a beautiful flow--

Lily::throws a coaster at James:

James: Oy...

**thought about them and their kind...He couldn't see how he and Petunia could get mixed up in anything that might be going on--he yawned and turned over--it couldn't affect them...**

Lily: Wrong.

**How very wrong he was.**

Lily: I totally called that.

**Mr. Dursley might have been drifting off into an uneasy sleep,**

Sirius: It's funny how people can have uneasy sleeps. It's just so easy for me to sleep.

James: You just have an uneasy wake.

**but the cat on the wall outside was showing no signs of sleepiness.**

Remus: How does the author manage to make that sound so ominous?

**It was sitting still as a statue**

Sirius: With a secret passageway hidden behind it.

Remus: Which we probably discovered in second year.

James: And which Ross Smith will probably brag about having discovered just this year, like the little creep would do. Honestly, he thinks he's a prankster...

Lily: Poser.

James: Pose-what?

**its eyes fixed unblinkingly on the far corner of Privet Drive. It didn't so much as quiver**

Lily: When Mr. Dursley flung open the window with his trusty rifle in hand and shot at the cat, who was dead in an instant.

:pause:

James: I'm sorry, were you calling _me_ violent?

**when a car door slammed in the next street, nor when two owls swooped overhead.**

Remus: Swoop. What a funny word.

Lily: You seem to have strange relationships with some of these words, Lupin.

Sirius: You making fun of Rem?

Lily::gives Sirius a weird look: Yeah, I'm totally dissing him.

Sirius/James/Remus: Dissing?

Lily: Yes.

Sirius: Question.

Lily::twitch:

**In fact, it was nearly midnight before the cat moved at all.**

Lily: Midnight...not a sound from the pavement...:starts singing and swaying side to side: has the moon lost her mem'ry? She is smiling alone in the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at her feet...†

Sirius: My cat sings that song.

Lily: Really?

Sirius: Ham...ster...s.

**A man appeared on the corner the cat had been watching, appeared so suddenly and silently you'd have thought he'd just popped out of the ground.**

Lily: Well, he probably did.

**The cat's tail twitched and its eyes narrowed.**

Remus: Uh-oh. Cat no like Man.

Lily: You--caveman. No use adjective.

Remus: ...Hmph.

**Nothing like this man had ever been seen in Privet Drive.**

Remus: So we already know he's thin and not ugly.

**He was tall, thin**

Remus: I called that!

**and very old, judging by the silver of his hair and beard,**

Lily: Dumble-bumble-dore.

Boys: What?

Lily: Dumble-bumble-rumble-dumble-dore.

Boys: What?

Lily: D-Dogg.

Boys: WHAT?

Lily: Homie G, dawg.

Boys::move over on sofa, farther away from Lily:

Lily: Peace out.

**which were both long enough to tuck into his belt.**

James: That would get annoying after I while, I would guess.

**He was wearing long robes, a purple cloak which swept the ground**

Sirius: That way you don't have to use brooms to sweep, like the hamsters have to.

:pause:

Remus::moves towards Lily again, away from Sirius:

**and high-heeled, buckled boots.**

Lily: How stylish.

**His blue eyes were light, bright**

Remus: Like the night.

Lily: They shone just right.

James: Like a kite.

Remus: Holy shite.

Lily: They had might.

Sirius: And they fight.

Lily: And drink Sprite.

Remus: And--_Sprite?_

Lily: Oy...

**and sparkling**

James: Hey, it doesn't rhyme!

Lily::mocking: HEY!

**behind half-moon spectacles and his nose was very long and crooked, as though it had been broken at least twice.**

Lily: D-Dogg, it's Homie G.

Remus::moves closer to Sirius again:

**This man's name was Albus Dumbledore.**

All: WHAT?

Remus: Okay, I wasn't expecting that one.

James: We should have guessed that.

Sirius: What's Dumbledore doing in the book?

Lily: It must be a true story!

Remus: From the future! Remember, Voldemort's gone.

Sirius: Oh, yeah...

Lily: Wow. This is really scary.

James: Just...just keep on reading, Padfoot. Let's see what Dumbledore's up to.

Sirius: Obviously, he's off to give some detentions. He's hoping that the Dursleys will be able to give out some information about where to find James.

Others::stare at Sirius in awe:

Remus: ...That...that made...

Lily: Oh my God...that...

James: HOLY SHIT, PADFOOT--that made sense!

Sirius::looks up in slo-mo, then realizes what had happened--a grin slowly spreads over his face. Triumphant music plays in the background as he stands up and raises his fists triumphantly:

Lily: Okay, chill out, Black. Sit down, and read the book.

**Albus Dumbledore**

James::giggles: Dumbledore's in a book! Hehe...

Remus/Sirius::move towards Lily, away from James:

Lily::shoots glare at boys: D-Dogg, Homie G is in da house, y'all.

Remus/Sirius::move back towards James...then back to Lily...and fall off the couch:

Lily: MUAHAHAHAHA. :leans back and lies on the sofa, legs stretched over where Remus and Sirius used to be:

James::scoots farther away from Lily:

Sirius::continues reading from the floor:

**didn't seem to realize that he had just arrived on a street where everything from his name to his boots was unwelcome.**

Lily: Why do wizards generally have less common names?

Remus: We're more creative.

Lily: So, James was just a fluke?

Remus: Yeah.

James: Hey!

Lily: By the way--the reason why Dumbledore is really here is to explain to the Dursleys how James and his wife were murdered.

Remus: That was random.

Lily: Not my fault::points to author, who accidentally made a joke later on in this story that involves James being dead:

**But he did seem to realize he was being watched**

Boys: THE CAT!

Lily: Why, goodness me--now what was that? Silent be--it was the cat! It was, it was the cat! They're right--it was the cat...††

Boys::shoot weird looks at Lily:

James::scoots farther away from her on the sofa:

**because he looked up suddenly at the cat, which was still staring at him from the other end of the street.**

James: Obviously this cat doesn't have a life.

**For some reason, the sight of the cat seemed to amuse him. He chuckled and muttered, "I should have known."**

Remus: This is intense reading here. Sure you can handle it, Padfoot?

Sirius: Hamsters.

**He had found what he was looking for in his inside pocket. It seemed to be a silver cigarette lighter.**

Lily::gasp: Dumbledore smokes::sits back up, boys sit back down on couch. The order of seating from their point of view is Lily, Sirius, Remus, James:

**He flicked it open, held it up in the air and clicked it. The nearest street lamp went out with a little pop.**

James: Oh, yeah...a device for extinguishing lights. Damn expensive, they are.

Lily: "Expensive, they are." I doubt you've seen Star Wars, so I won't go into that whole ordeal. But how do you know how much those things cost?

James: Heh...heh...

Remus: Star wars?

**He clicked it again--the next lamp flickered into darkness.**

James::sigh::wistful look:

**Twelve times he clicked the Put-Outer, until the only lights left in the whole street were two tiny pinpricks in the distance, which were the eyes of the cat watching him.**

Lily: Any particular reason why the cat's eyes are glowing if there aren't any lights to reflect in them?

Remus: That's a good question.

Sirius: I don't trust that cat.

James: Probably McGonagall or Filch or someone transfigured.

Remus: McGonagall is a cat animagus.

Sirius/James: Really?

Remus: Yeah, she just got her liscense three years ago, but says she doesn't like transforming very much.

James: Why not?

Lily: Wait--how do you know all this?

Remus: Heh...heh...um...Hey, Padfoot, why don't you keep reading?

**If anyone looked out of their window now, even beady-eyed Mrs. Dursley,**

Sirius: Beady eyed...with beads...in her...eyes.

James: Yes, but what colour? Yellow to match her hair, or clear to match her personality?

**they wouldn't be able to see anything that was happening down on the pavement.**

Sirius: I wonder what he'll be doing down there in the dark...probably graffiti or something.

James: Tsk, tsk, Dumbledore.

Lily: Bad D-Dogg.

James: Okay, that's just really creepy.

Lily: Cool it, JP.

James::frightened expression:

Lily::cough: Peace.


	4. Oh It's Magic

Chapter Four: Oh...it's Magic!

**Dumbledore slipped the Put-Outer back inside his cloak and set off sown the street towards number four, where he sat down on the wall next to the cat. He didn't look at it, but after a moment he spoke to it.**

Lily: Apostrophe!

Boys: What?

Lily: Apostrophe! When you talk to someone that isn't there or to an inanimate object or animal as if it could respond!†

Boys::blank looks:

Lily: What a shame you missed out on Muggle school.

**"Fancy seeing you here, Professor McGonagall."**

James/Remus/Sirius::scream:

Remus: When'd _she_ get there?

James: Of course she was there...she's everywhere...

Boys::shifty eyes:

Sirius: She's possessing Evans!

Lily::smacks Sirius:

**He turned to smile at the tabby, but it had gone.**

All: Ooh...

James: Wow, it's like magic!

Sirius/Lily/Remus::laugh:

James: ...

Lily/Remus::stop laughing, look at James in shock, as they can't believe he was really serious:

Sirius::laughter has turned evil:

**Instead he was smiling at a rather severe-looking woman**

Lily: Well, that's one way to describe Professor McGonagall.

**who was wearing square glasses exactly the shape of the markings the cat had had around its eyes. She, too, was wearing a cloak, an emerald one. Her black hair was drawn into a tight bun. She looked distinctly ruffled.**

Remus: The word "ruffled" shouldn't describe people. It's for objects such as feathers. Ruffled feathers.

Sirius: Unless McGonagall has feathers.

Remus: Unless, indeed.

**"My dear Professor, I've never seen a cat sit so stiffly."**

Sirius: I'm bored.

**"You'd be stiff if you'd been sitting on a brick wall all day," said Professor McGonagall.**

Remus: Why didn't she exercise or something?

James: I doubt that McGonagall would be into exercising.

:silence:

Lily: Okay, I think it's unanimous that the image of her exercising is just frightening. Black, continue reading please.

**"All day? When you could have been celebrating? I must have passed a dozen feasts and parties on my way here."**

Sirius: Ooh, sounds like fun!

James: Yeah...I can't wait til all this actually happens--we'll be partying all night...and not get in trouble!

:silence:

Remus: Sorry, James, but you'll be dead.

James: ...Oh. Oh, yeah.

Sirius::pats James on the back:

**Professor McGonagall sniffed angrily. "Oh yes, everyone's celebrating, all right," she said impatiently.**

James: Will you guys be out celebrating?

Remus: Probably.

**"You'd think they'd be a bit more careful, but no--even the Muggles have noticed something's going on. It was on their news." She jerked her head back at the Dursley's dark living room window. "I heard it. Flocks of owls...shooting stars...Well, they're not completely stupid. They were bound to notice something. Shooting stars down in Kent--I'll be that was Dedalus Diggle. He never had much sense."**

Boys: Diggle!

Lily: Well, she's right about that, for sure--

James: I wonder what Diggle's doing as a Hogwarts grad?

Sirius: Probably having the time of his life...we've got some fond memories of him.

Remus: Good times...good times.

**"You can't blame them," said Dumbledore gently. We've had precious little to celebrate for eleven years."**

James: Holy crap, eleven years. What's happened?

Lily: Let's see...You-Know-Who made his little cameo appearance a year ago...so this story probably takes place nine years from now.

Remus: Eleven years of Voldemort terror...

Lily: This is too depressing.

Remus: You know, I never understood that word "depressing." What can you de-press? Like, if you press a button, can you then "de-press" it? And so why is it used--

Sirius: ANYWAY:

**"I know that, " said Professor McGonagall irritably.**

Boys: We didn't do it.

Lily::rolls eyes: For once, I don't think she's irritated at you.

**"But that's no reason to lose our heads.**

James: Or is it::evil grin:

Sirius: MUAHAHAHA!

James: BUAHAHAHA!

**People are being downright careless, out on the streets in broad daylight, not even dressed in Muggle clothes, swapping rumors."**

Remus: Trade 'em. Swap 'em. Collect the whole set.

**She threw a sharp**

James: DAGGER.

Lily: Don't you think you're having a little too much fun with this?

**sideways glance**

Sirius/James: BORING.

**at Dumbledore here**

James/Remus::crack up:

Lily: What?

Remus::through laughter: Can you imagine...imagine McGonagall throwing a dagger...a dagger at Dumbledore?

Lily::stares:

Sirius::hums:

James/Remus::laugh:

Lily: D to the umble, D to the dore, Dizzle Dizzle, fo shizzle.

Boys::silent:

Lily: Heh.

**as though hoping he was going to tell her something, but he didn't, so she went on. "A fine thing it would be if, on the very day You-Know-Who seems to have disappeared at last**

Sirius/Remus: YAY::wave British flags:

Lily: w00t.

James: Dead.

**the Muggles found out about as all. I suppose he really _has_ gone, Dumbledore?"**

Remus: That would suck.

James/Sirius: What?

Remus: If everyone thought he was gone, but then it was just a lie? That would suck so bad.

Lily: I wouldn't think it possible, but that would both suck _and_ blow.

Sirius: Hehe.

Lily::throws coaster at Sirius:

**"It certainly seems so," said Dumbledore. "We have much to be thankful for. Would you care for a lemon drop?"**

Lily: Aww, that's so symbolic.

Boys: Huh?

Lily: Can't you see that this lemon drop signifies Dumbledore's true meanings and intentions in this word? He treats a muggle candy no differently than he would treat a wizarding candy, and so why should people be any different::stands up, speaks strongly: People everywhere should accept everyone for who they are, and not where they come from or who their parents were! Dumbledore is an example for us all to follow!

:pause:

Remus::clap. clap.:

James::clap:

Sirius::clapclapclapclapclap: So beautiful::tears up:

**"A _what_?"**

**"A lemon drop. They're a kind of Muggle sweet I'm rather fond of."**

Sirius::wipes tear from eye:

James::smacks Sirius on the back of the head: Be a man.

Lily::sings: Be a man! You must be swift as a coursing river! With all the force of a great typhoon!

Sirius::pats Lily's shoulder sympathetically:

**"No, thank you," said Professor McGonagall coldly**

James: Cold...cold as ice.

Remus: You're as cold as ice!

Remus/Lily::singing: You're willing to sacrifice our love!

James/Sirius::exchange looks:

Lily::sings new song: Ice, ice, baby...

**as though she didn't think this was the moment for lemon drops.**

Lily: Psh, no moment is too good for lemon drops.

**"As I say, even if You-Know-Who has gone--"**

**"My dear Professor, surely a sensible person like yourself can call him by his name? All this "You-Know-Who" nonsense--for eleven years I have been trying to persuade people to call him by his proper name: _Voldemort_."**

All::shrug:

Lily: The only reason why I don't say Voldemort is because it freaks some people out.

Remus: Yeah, that gets really annoying.

James: We should form an association of people who aren't afraid to say his name!   
Lily: No. No we shouldn't.

**Professor McGonagall flinched**

Lily: Fletchley!

Boys: What?

Lily: Future stuff.

**but Dumbledore, who was unsticking two lemons drops, seemed not to notice. "It all gets so confusing if we keep saying 'You-Know-Who'. I have never seen any reason to be frightened of saying Voldemort's name."**

James: He speaks with wisdom beyond his years.

Remus: Actually, when you really think about it--what _is_ beyond Dumbledore's years? The stone age?

**"I know you haven't," said Professor McGonagall, sounding half exasperated, half admiring.**

Lily: That takes skill.

**"But you're different. Everyone knows you're the only one You-Know- oh, all right, _Voldemort_, was frightened of."**

James: You'd think that if a group of teenagers could say _Voldemort_ that a professor would be able to.

**"You flatter me," said Dumbledore calmly. "Voldemort had powers I will never have."**

Remus/Lily: Good!

**"Only because you're too--well**--**_noble_ to use them."**

Sirius: Do I sense some..._flirting_ going on here?

James: Rrrowl.

**"It's lucky it's dark. I haven't blushed so much since Madam Pomfrey told me she liked my new earmuffs."**

Lily: Ooer!

Sirius: A little romancing for the professors?

Lily: But who gets Professor Dumbledore--Professor McGonagall or Madam Pomfrey?

**Professor McGonagall shot a sharp**

James: DAGGER!

Lily: Don't you think you're having a little too much fun with this?

Remus: Didn't this conversation just happen a few minutes ago?

**look at Dumbledore and said, "The owls are nothing to the _rumors_ that are flying around.**

Sirius: Gossip! Gossip!

Lily: This boy wants gossip. Is that even natural?

Remus: Has Sirius ever been natural?

**You know what everyone's saying? About why he's disappeared? About what finally stopped him?"**

James: Okay, here's the whole story. My son...my son...

Lily::snort: I doubt.

Remus: I don't.

**It seemed that Professor McGonagall had reached the point she was most anxious to discuss, the real reason she had been waiting on a cold hard wall all day**

Remus: Without any exercise.

**for neither as a cat nor as a woman had she fixed Dumbledore with such a piercing**

James: DAGGER!

Lily: Don't you think you're having a little too much fun with this?

Remus: Did this conversation just happen a few minutes ago?

Sirius: Ooh, déjà vu!

**stare**

James: Lame!

**as she had now. It was plain that whatever "everyone" was saying, she was not going to believe it until Dumbledore told her it was true.**

Remus: Not a bad idea.

**Dumbledore, however, was choosing another lemon drop and did not answer.**

Lily: Lemon drops are nice.

**"What they're _saying_," she pressed on, "is that last night Voldemort turned up in Godric's Hollow.**

All: Godric's Hollow...

Lily: Anyone know where that is?

Remus: Nope.

**He went to find the Potters.**

James: Aha!

Lily: Told you so, told you so: Potter is _dead_.

**The rumor is that Lily and James Potter are**

Lily: EXCUSE ME?

James: SCORE!

Lily: _EXCUSE ME?_

James::singing: James married Lily, James married Lily!

Lily: Akjhsdlihjfasif!

James::laughing with glee:

Lily: I REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT THERE IS ONLY ONE LILY! IT WAS SOMEONE ELSE!

Remus: Whose sister is a blonde, spying Petunia?

Lily: Dwefliailejfi!

Remus: Sorry Evans, but very unlikely. You are totally James's wife.

Lily: ILHJFSDFOIHWEIFOHJ!

James: Whoo-hoo! Whoo-hoo!

Lily: I WILL NOT--I'M NOT--I--_SHUT UP, POTTER!_

James::silent:

Lily::sob:

Sirius::points at James: Ha ha, she hates you.

**--are--that they're--_dead_."**

Remus: Holy crap.

James: Lily was right?

Lily::sob: Better dead than with Potter.

Sirius::to James: Ha ha, she hates you.

James: I was murdered by Voldemort and all you can tell me is that my future wife--

Lily::sob:

James: **--**hates my guts.

**Dumbledore bowed his head. Professor McGonagall gasped.**

Remus: Oh wow. Knew it was from the future.

Lily::sob:

James::looks at Lily, crestfallen:

Remus::to Lily: Come on, he's not that bad.

Lily::looks up: Not...that...bad. _Not...that...bad._ :shakes with anger:

Remus: Padfoot, read!

**"Lily and James**

Lily::twitch:

**...I can't believe it...I didn't want to believe it...Oh, Albus..."**

Remus: I think it's McGonagall/Dumbledore.

James: Yeah...yeah. :looks over at Lily:

Lily::dries her eyes:

**Dumbledore reached out and patted her on the shoulder.**

All: Ooh!

Sirius: Oh, Albus, you sly dog, you.

**"I know...I know..." he said heavily.**

Sirius: Yeah...heavily, just like him.

Remus: Yeah, 'cause we all know how chunky Dumbledore is.

Lily: Yup, he's a chunkster, all right.

**Professor McGonagall's voice trembled as she went on.**

Boys: NO!

James: She isn't...

Remus: She can't be...

Sirius: Not...not _McGonagall_...

Lily: Hello? I died, too! I'm sure that's what the tremble was about.

Remus: Oh, oh yeah.

Sirius: Right, right.

James: Phew, I thought she was getting emotional about _my_ death.

**"That's not all. They're saying he tried to kill the Potters' son, Harry.**

Lily::starts twitching and spasming:

James: Oh, come on, why the hell would he want Harry? He's a baby, isn't he?

Remus: The Boy Who Lived...

James: He lived? Holy...

Remus: Evans? Evans! Are you okay?

Lily: WE HAD A BABY? Oh, ew, ew, ew, ew... :sob: Ew...


	5. Pretty Fly

Chapter Five: Pretty Fly for a White Guy

**But--he couldn't.**

All: What?

**He couldn't kill that little boy.**

James: What the--

Remus: Shh! Keep reading, Padfoot!

**No one knows why, or how,**

James: Or who, or where, or what, or...or...

Sirius: Or why!

James: Yeah!

**but they're saying that when he couldn't kill Harry Potter, Voldemort's power somehow broke--**

Remus: CRASH. Wasn't me.

**and that's why he's gone."**

:silence:

James: No.

:silence:

James: No. Bloody. Way.

Remus: Yes. Yes! Don't you remember, Prongs? We already figured it out...Something must've happened, if the curse reflected back at Voldemort, and defeated him...killed him...

**Dumbledore nodded glumly.**

**"It's--it's true?" faltered Professor McGonagall. "After all he's done...all the people he's killed...he couldn't kill a little boy? It's just astounding...of all the things to stop him...but how in the name of**

James: James Potter.

Lily::rolls eyes:

**heaven did Harry survive?"**

Remus: Luck?

**"We can only guess," said Dumbledore. "We may never know."**

Lily: Oh, come on, Dumbledore's got to know.

**Professor McGonagall pulled out a lace handkerchief**

Sirius: Fancy.

**and dabbed at her eyes beneath her spectacles.**

Remus: I love that word. _Spectacles._

James/Sirius: Shut it, Moony.

**Dumbledore gave a great sniff**

Remus: Must be for Evans again.

Lily: Yup.

**as he took a golden watch from his pocket and examined it. It was a very odd watch. It had twelve hands but no numbers; instead, little planets were moving around the edge.**

Remus: Ooh, nice.

Sirius::in disgust: Regulus has one of those watches.

James: I have one of those watches.

Sirius::glares:

James: What?

**It must have made sense to Dumbledore, though,**

Lily: Muggles don't understand those watches.

Boys: Oh...

**because he put it back in his pocket and said, "Hagrid's late.**

All: Hagrid::happy:

**I suppose it was he who told you I'd be here, by the way?"**

**"Yes," said Professor McGonagall. "And I don't suppose you're going to tell me why you're here, of all places?"**

James: I'm guessing it must have something to do with the Dursleys.

Lily: NO! NO!

Remus: Evans! It's okay--

Lily: NO!

James: What the hell...

Lily: SHE IS NOT GETTING MY BABY!

Remus: Evans-- :grabs Lily's shoulder:

James: I'm not giving my son to those--those--evils!

Lily: WHERE ARE EMMELINE AND ALICE? WHY CAN'T THEY GET HARRY?

Remus: Lily! It's okay! It's only a book!

Lily: NO IT'S NOT! THEY'RE NOT GETTING MY SON::stands up, pulling on hair frantically: This isn't real! This isn't happening!

Remus::makes to stand up:

James::gets up and hugs Lily: It's okay, it's okay...

Sirius: Er...:clears throat:

Remus::to Sirius: Shush, let them have a moment.

Sirius/Remus::lean their heads together, watching James comforting Lily: Aw...

:two minutes later the couch arrangement is as follows: Remus, Sirius, James, Lily:

**"I've come to bring Harry to his aunt and uncle.**

Lily::hisses:

Sirius::to Remus in undertone: Well, that's a new noise.

**They're the only family he has left now."**

James: Wait. What about...what about my...

Lily: Oh...oh.

Remus: Let's read on. This is depressing.

**"You don't mean--you can't mean the people who live here?" cried Professor McGonagall, jumping to her feet and pointing at number four. "Dumbledore--you can't.**

James: That's right!

Lily: w00t w00t McGonagall! You tell him, girlfriend!

Remus: _What?_

**I've been watching them all day.**

Sirius: McGonagall the stalker.

Remus: Scary thoughts.

Sirius: Hamsters.

:silence:

Sirius: Sorry, I just felt that it had been too long since the last--

James: Read, Padfoot.

**You couldn't find two people who are less like us.**

Lily: Amen, sister! Testify! Testify!

**And they've got this son--I saw him kicking his mother all the way up the street, screaming for sweets.**

Remus/Lily/Sirius::sidelong glance at James:

James: What?

**Harry Potter come and live here!"**

Lily: Blasphemy.

**"It's the best place for him,"**

Lily: HA! HA! YOU DON'T KNOW--

James: Lily!

Lily::silent:

Remus::to Sirius: I'm impressed.

Lily: YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, POTTER?

James::wincing: Nothing, Evans.

**said Dumbledore firmly. "His aunt and uncle will be able to explain everything to him when he's older. I've written them a letter."**

Lily: A letter?

**"A letter?" repeated Professor McGonagall faintly,**

Sirius: Hey Evans, you and McGonagall are kindred spirits.

Lily::gives Sirius a McGonagall stern look:

Sirius::shivers: That's just creepy.

**sitting back down on the wall. "Really, Dumbledore, you think you can explain all this in a letter?**

Remus: Honestly, if Dumbledore thinks it'll work, then it probably will.

**These people will never understand him!**

All: Oh no!

**He'll be famous--a legend--**

James::sigh: My own dreams--and my son has achieved them as a baby.

**I wouldn't be surprised if today was known as Harry Potter day in the future**

All: Harry Potter Day!

James: All my own dreams...

**--there will be books written about Harry--**

Remus: Like this one!

James: All my own...

Lily::twitch:

**every child in our world will know his name!"**

James: All m--

Lily: Oh, I dare you.

**"Exactly," said Dumbledore, looking very seriously**

Sirius: Hehe. That's my name!

James/Remus: Sirius Lee!

Lily: You're name is Sirius Lee?

Sirius: Ham-ham-hamsters, yes!

Lily: ...so...you're telling me...that you're...HA...you're Sirius Lee Black...Seriously Black::has laughing fit: I don't think so...but I do have to say...you are pretty fly... :laughs:

Boys::exchange curious looks:

**over the top of his half-moon glasses. "It would be enough to turn any boy's head.**

Boys::turn heads:

**Famous before he can walk and talk! Famous for something he won't even remember! Can't you see how much better off he'll be, growing up away from all that until he's ready to take it?"**

Lily: NO! Not with my sister, it won't be better! Can't they find somewhere secluded to bring him up, maybe with a really nice Muggle family or something, but NOT MY SISTER!

**Professor McGonagall opened her mouth, changed her mind, swallowed and then said, "Yes--yes, you're right, of course.**

James: Ah, Dumbledore's worn her down already.

Lily: Excuse me?

James: Nothing.

**But how is the boy getting here, Dumbledore?" She eyed his cloak suddenly as though she thought he might be hiding Harry underneath it.**

Lily: Frightening thought.

**"Hagrid's bringing him."**

All: Hagrid::happy:

**"You think it--wise--to trust Hagrid with something as important as this?"**

James: Hey, what's that supposed to mean?

**"I would trust Hagrid with my life," said Dumbledore.**

:pause:

James: Okay, maybe I wouldn't quite go that far...

**"I'm not saying his heart isn't in the right place,"**

Sirius: It could be between his toes, you never know.

Lily: That was awful.

Remus: Why say "awful"? I mean, when you really think about it, doesn't "awful" just say "awe-full"? So wouldn't that make the adjective "awful" mean "full of awe"? And have you ever realised--

Sirius::interrupts with the reading, loudly:

**said Professor McGonagall grudgingly, "but you can't pretend he's not careless.**

Lily: Yeah you can pretend, bet I can pretend, how much you bet, Professor?

**He does tend to--what was that?"**

Sirius: Oh no! We'll never get to find out what Hagrid tends to do!

**A low rumbling sound had broken the silence around them.**

Remus: Uh-oh, Padfoot's hungry.

**It grew steadily louder as they looked up and down the street for some sign of a headlight; it swelled to a roar as they both looked up at the sky - and a huge motorcycle fell out of the air**

Sirius: Question.

Lily: A motorcycle is a mode of transportation for Muggles. They make really loud noises, but they don't normally fly. And they're considered especially cool vehicles.

Sirius: Sweet.

**and landed on the road in front of them. If the motorcycle was huge, it was nothing to the man sitting astride it.**

James: What happened to Hagrid? I mean, why's he so big?

Remus::shrug: I thought he just got in the way of some jinx, or drank the wrong potion or something, made his bones bigger.

Lily: Really? I'd always thought he was a bit giant.

Sirius::shakes his head: Nuh-uh, Evans--_I'm_ giant. :waggles eyebrows:

Lily::disgusted face:

**He was almost twice as tall as a normal man and at least five times as wide. He looked simply too big to be allowed,**

Remus: That's a fair description.

**and so _wild_--long tangles of bushy black hair and beard hid most of his face, he had hands the size of dustbin lids and his feet in their leather boots were like baby dolphins.**

Lily: Aw, baby dolphins.

Boys: _Girls..._

**In his vast, muscular arms he was holding a bundle of blankets.**

Lily/James: Harry!

Remus: They didn't say Harry, they said a bundle of blankets.

Lily: And what exactly are you suggesting with that comment::threatening look:

**"Hagrid," said Dumbledore, sounding relieved.**

Remus: Hmm, considering that Dumbledore would trust Hagrid with his life, he seems very relieved that he did make it.

**"At last. And where did you get that motorcycle?"**

Remus: Stole it.

James: Made it.

Sirius: Hallucinated it.

Lily: Whittled it.

**"Borrowed it, Professor Dumbledore, sir," said the giant,**

Lily: Ooh, _giant_, maybeetles I was right!

Remus: Maybeetles?

Lily: I'm allowed to make up words.

**climbing carefully off the motorcycle as he spoke. "Young Sirius Black lent it me.**

Sirius: WHOA!

James: Hey, you're in the book!

Remus: Where am I?

Lily: I should've known that you'd get a motorbike, Black. You're the sort.

**I've got him, sir."**

**"No problems, were there?"**

**"No, sir--house was almost destroyed but I got him out all right before the Muggles started swarmin' round. He fell asleep as we was flyin' over Bristol."**

Lily: Aw, my baby.

James: And my baby.

Lily: No.

James: What?

Lily: No.

James: What d'you mean, NO?

Lily: I mean that he is not your baby.

James: How so?

Lily: Oh believe me, I'll think of something.


	6. Awww!

Chapter Six: Aww!

**Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall bent forward over the bundle of blankets.**

James: Oh, great, he's only a baby and he has to deal with McGonagall glaring at him.

**Inside, just visible, was a**

Remus: Very large mushroom with black hair and glasses.

Lily::to James:: Oh, if you give my son your bad eyesight and horrid hair, _there will be hell to pay_.

**baby boy, fast asleep. Under a tuft of jet-black hair**

Lily::shakes fist at James:: If there's a whiff of uncontrollability in that black hair...

**over his forehead they could see a curiously shaped cut,**

Lily: What? Why was he cut? Potter!

James::to Sirius:: What should I do?

Sirius: Say it wasn't you!

James::to Lily:: Wasn't me!

Lily: You can't fool me, I know that song!

**like a bolt of lightning.**

Lily: That's sick, Potter.

James: But--But I--Wasn't me!

**"Is that where--? " whispered Professor McGonagall.**

**"Yes", said Dumbledore. "He'll have that scar forever."**

Lily::growls:: Even the professors know about your child-abusing--

James: I didn't! I swear!

**"Couldn't you do something about it, Dumbledore?"**

**"Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in useful. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.**

Remus: Well...maybe there isn't anything between McGonagall and Dumbledore--I mean, if she doesn't know about this scar...

James: Hmm, good point. Guess it must be Pomfrey and Dumbledore.

**Well--give him here, Hagrid--we'd better get this over with."**

Remus: Sounds like they're sacrificing little Harry.

Lily: WHAT?

Remus::alarmed:: Joking! Only joking!

**Dumbledore took Harry in his arms and turned towards the Dursleys' house.**

Lily: NOOOOOOO::stops :: Oh, that is so cliché. I mean, could any of you believe it when Darth Vader stood up for the first time and went "NOOOO!" I mean, come on, The Simpsons parodied that into obliviation, what was Lucas thinking? Worst line in the whole movie, except for maybe when Padmae and Anakin were talking and Anakin was all...

Boys::exchange looks::

Sirius: I'll...just...hamster.

**"Could I--could I say goodbye to him, sir?" asked Hagrid. He bent his great, shaggy head over Harry and**

Sirius: Upchucked hamsters on him.

Remus: Ate him.

James: Hey!

**gave what must have been a very scratchy, whiskery kiss.**

Lily: Child-molester!

**Then, suddenly, Hagrid let out a howl like a wounded dog.**

All: Aww...

**"Shhh!" hissed Professor McGonagall, "you'll wake the Muggles!"**

**"S-s- sorry," sobbed Hagrid, taking out a large spotted handkerchief**

James: He still has that thing?

**and burying his face in it. "But I c-c-can't stand it--Lily an' James dead**

James: Is anyone else starting to get really, really freaked out by this?

Lily::raises hand::

Remus: We're okay, we're not dead yet.

**--an' poor little Harry off ter live with Muggles--"**

Lily::hisses::

**"Yes, yes, it's all very sad, but get a grip on yourself, Hagrid, or we'll be found," Professor McGonagall whispered,**

James: McGonagall never was one for sympathy.

**patting Hagrid gingerly**

Remus: Gingerly.

James: Can we get through a page without you having to comment on a word?

Remus: Yes.

James: ...Okay then.

**on the arm as Dumbledore**

Lily::hisses::

James: Hey, what'd Dumbledore do?

Lily: He's bringing my child to his death.

Remus: That's a bit exaggerated.

Lily: You don't know my sister.

**stepped over the low garden wall and walked to the front door. He laid Harry gently on the doorstep, took a letter out of his cloak, tucked it inside Harry's blankets**

James: I suppose that's in case he gets hungry during the night.

Lily: My baby! Hungry!

Remus: Wait...didn't the newsreader say it would rain that night?

Lily: My baby! Dumbledore, you sick man! Save my baby!

**and then came back to the other two. For a full minute the three of them**

Sirius: Danced joyously.

Remus: Sang a hymn.

James: Traded shoes.

Lily: KILLED MY BABY.

Remus: Traded shoes? What?

**stood and looked at the little bundle;**

Lily: Take a picture, it'll last longer::sob::

**Hagrid's shoulders shook, Professor McGonagall blinked furiously and the twinkling light that usually shone in Dumbledore's eyes seemed to have gone out.**

Lily::wiping tears:: He needs that bulb replaced.

**"Well," said Dumbledore finally, "that's that. We've no business staying here. We may as well go and join the celebrations."**

Lily: You horrid man.

**"Yeah," said Hagrid in a very muffled voice, "I'll be takin' Sirius his bike back.**

Sirius: You better!

James: Sirius, you don't even own the bike yet…

**G'night, Professor McGonagall--Professor Dumbledore, sir." Wiping his streaming eyes on his jacket**

Lily: This is a little upsetting. You notice how they cry about my son going to live with my sister, and yet I'm dead somewhere and they don't cry about me.

**sleeve, Hagrid swung himself onto the motorbike and kicked the engine into life; with a roar it rose into the air and off into the night.**

**"I shall see you soon, I expect, Professor McGonagall," said Dumbledore, nodding to her. Professor McGonagall blew her nose in reply.**

Remus: Aw, this is so touching.

Sirius::touches Remus's knee::

Remus: Um. This is awkward.

**Dumbledore turned and walked back down the street. On the corner he stopped and took out the silver Put-Outer.**

James::wistful sigh::

**He clicked it once**

Sirius: Click.

**and twelve balls of light sped back to their**

Lily: Mothers. MY BABY.

Remus: Evans has finally cracked.

James: No, she was cracked before, now she's completely broken.

Remus: No, I disagree. She wasn't cracked before, she was just a little chipped.

Sirius::starts laughing hysterically::

James/Remus: What?

Sirius: It's--like--she's--a--pot!

::pause ::

Sirius: Like--a--Potter!

James::whacks Sirius's head::

Lily::sobs hysterically::

**street lamps so Privet Drive glowed suddenly orange and he could make out**

Sirius: With McGonagall.

Lily::through her sobs:: Gross!

**a tabby cat slinking**

Lily: Like a slinky::is suddenly not crying at all, no red eyes, no tears, nada:: I love slinkies!

Boys::exchange confused looks ::

**around the corner at the other end of the street. He could just see the bundle of blankets**

Remus: Harry having rolled out of the blankets and was tumbling happily down the street--

James: Hey! Lily only just recovered here! Let's play nice!

Lily::hisses::

**on the step of number four. A breeze ruffled the hedges of Privet Drive, which lay silent and tidy under the inky sky,**

Boys: Inky!

Lily: I still can't believe you've made the giant squid your pet.

Remus: Inky is the best squid in the world.

James: So well-behaved. ::to Lily:: We've been secretly training him to squirt ink at people we don't like.

**the very last place you would expect astonishing things to happen. Harry Potter rolled over inside his blankets without waking up.**

Lily: Aww.

**One small hand closed on the letter beside him**

Lily: Aww.

**and he slept on,**

Lily: Aww.

**not knowing he was special,**

Lily: Aww.

James: Special? What do they mean by that?

Remus: I think your son's a retard.

Lily: WHAT!?

Remus: …I mean, he's a very smart boy.

**not knowing he was famous,**

Lily: Aww.

Remus: James, can't you shut her up?

Lily: Hey. My son is adorable. Didn't you see how special he was?

**not knowing he would be woken in a few hours' time by Mrs. Dursley's scream as she opened the front door to put out the milk bottles,**

Lily::steams through ears:: That evil! I hate her!

**nor that he would spend the next few weeks being prodded and pinched by his cousin Dudley**

Lily: THAT HORRID PIECE OF SATAN!

James::pats Lily on the shoulder::

**... he couldn't know that at this very moment, people meeting in secret all over the country**

Remus: If these are the same people as before, I wouldn't say they were being very secret.

**were holding up their glasses**

James::takes off glasses and holds them up in front of him::

Lily::rolls eyes::

**and saying in hushed voices: "To Harry Potter--the boy who lived!"**

All: Aww.

Sirius::turns page:: Chapter Two?

Remus: Go ahead.

Sirius: Well. Chapter Two—The Vanishing Glass.

James: Are you sure we should keep going?

Lily/Remus: Duh.

James: Shouldn't we try to find a way out of here? I mean, we could be here for days if we read this whole book.

Remus: I guess we should _try_ to get out.

Sirius: But I want to find out how you two died!

Lily: Okay, then. We'll take the book with us. I have to find out if my baby lives. And I want to know who left that scar. You better not have hurt my baby Potter!

James: It wasn't me!

Sirius: Maybe the hamsters did it.

Remus: So how do we get out?

Lily: We could try the door.

James: What door?

Remus: The big one with the exit sign above it.

James: Oh. That door.

Sirius: Maybe there are CHAINSAWS on the other side!

James: Chainsaws? There has to be food on the other side. A giant feast!

Remus: Or maybe it's just an exit.

Lily: I can't wait to get out of here…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sorry for the quick ending. If anyone _really_ wants me to go on, review and I will. I guess it just seems like the story could go on forever, even if Sirius did get to read one whole sentence without being interrupted. Just let me know!


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